I have been trying to get caught up on organizing the photos from the last few years. I finally completed Ravenna's baby book in November and wanted to tackle the photos from 2008-present as my next project. I got 2009 completed and got a great deal on a photo book from Shutterfly. I have to say that going digital saved me a great deal of time. With 2010, though, I am stuck. I cannot fathom why looking at the pictures from the summer of 2010, the summer I was last pregnant, leaves me with so much pain. I find myself looking at myself in those pictures and wondering "Do I look pregnant? What about me was different?" Then I see how much my daughter has grown since that time and I think "I am wasting her childhood...what am I doing?"
With our foster baby leaving in a few weeks I find myself feeling quite hopeless. We had hoped to adopt him; we hoped that he was the answer. My daughter is going through a developmental rough patch and I am plagued by thoughts of "What if...?" It is hard not to blame myself for our misfortunes regarding our family size. I often think that it is my fault my daughter is having such a rough time. If only I had been able to give her a sibling sooner, or if we hadn't chosen this very stressful route of foster care in order to grow our family. "What if I had just kept trying to get/stay pregnant?"
I am in desperate need of some peace; the questions are driving me insane.
I went through a lot of wondering whether things might have been different if I had not been so fixated on having a baby, or if we'd had #2 something less than 6 years apart from #1...ultimately I had to just accept that it is what it is, this is how it happened...and whether or not I did things 'right' or 'best' in the past, the most important thing I can do right now is just do the best I can right now. Love them, be in the present with them, hug and snuggle and read and go on adventures, and hope that my crappy mommy moments (or days or weeks or months) will be balanced out by the good ones.
ReplyDeleteOMG Carrie don't you for one second blame yourself for what's going on. You are an incredible person and mother and we have to rely on God's will if we want any peace. Personally, I'd blame Andrew for all your problems! JK, he's great, too! And so is Ravenna, she is sweet, kind, compassionate, and loving. Don't be hard on yourself. I Love You!
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Christie, you can't blame yourself for one second and peace will only come when you let go and let God's will take over. It will all work out eventually. You must believe that. As for Ravenna, all kids go through rough patches. It's just part of the process and the only thing that matters is that she has two loving parents, who love each other, to help her through. She's a lovely and sweet girl - no worries. Love you.
ReplyDeleteDallin was an only child for quite some time, and he was a very intense and spirited little boy (still is...) I would frequently get comments on how he needed a sibling to mellow and balance him out, help him learn to share, be less "selfish", etc. My feeling was that if God wanted him to have a sibling and felt that having a sibling was necessary for his growth, He would have given him one. It bothered me to no end that people blamed his behavior on being an only child. (Now he has two siblings, and he is still almost as intense as he was then--any mellowing is the result of maturity, not siblings.) I think just as we need to have faith that our own personal life circumstances are watched over by God, so our the life circumstances of our children. I also have come to believe that children need opposition in their lives to grow, just as adults do. I have read certain books that paint a picture of what an absolute perfect life would be for children, and how we as parents should be striving to provide that for them. And of course we should be striving to give them the best we can. But I have also had the thought that if our kids had that absolute perfect life (even an AP-one), something would be missing, because a bit of opposition is necessary for the human experience and that's why we are here on earth. Children are not exempt from this.
ReplyDeleteOh Carrie! I wish I could give you a big hug. If I have learned anything about life, it is that it rarely goes the way we planned. I too have wondered how different my life would be if things had gone exactly how I had envisioned they would... but then I keep coming back to our Heavenly Fathers plan. We came to this earth to gain a body. They are not perfect. Some of us struggle with getting/staying pregnant. Maybe its not simply "The Lords plan for us". Maybe its just the fact that our bodies are subject to imperfections. These imperfections cause heartache and pain. But if we endure, and if we stay faithful, we will receive the strength to carry on. We can and will find peace. I'm sorry that you have to say good bye to your foster baby. I know how hard it is to welcome someone elses child into your life, love them and have to let them go. You have an amazing heart. I grew up in a home where multiple children stayed and then had to go. Getting used to another child, then not seeing them anymore just made me admire the strength of my parents. Foster care is not easy for anyone involved. But I know that you all will be blessed more than you can imagine for making that sacrifice. I truely admire you Carrie. Don't sell yourself short.
ReplyDeleteDon't blame yourself!!!! And documenting Ravenna's life now is, I think, one of the best things you can do for her now. Before life becomes even crazier and you forget. She gets one-on-one valuable time with you which is awesome for you both. Because when the time comes when you have another child, it only gets more busy and multiplied.I love that you make photo books. I love making photo books (but not right before deadlines bcse that makes me a bit insane).
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