Saturday, June 4, 2011

Moments With A Foster Mom: Triage

I cannot describe how heart-wrenching this whole process is for so many reasons. Tonight I felt the need to share some of my experience in Labor and Delivery triage over the last few days.

My empty womb very tangibly ached as I sat waiting, hour after hour, in triage. Soon to be mom's paced the halls hoping that this endless walking would get them to the magical #4 that would allow them to be admitted. Excitement is everywhere but also some disappointment: Being sent home for false labor, an over-booked induction schedule, and then, towards the end, a young woman comes in weeping with a conspicuously flat belly and I instinctively understood. I overheard the nurses:

Nurse A: "What is wrong with her?" 
Nurse B: "She says she is having a miscarriage (shrugs)"
Nurse A: "Well, where should we put her?"
Nurse B: "I honestly don't care where you put her."

At that point the exchange ended and I went on my way. My charge was being admitted due to leaking amniotic fluid and I needed to get back to my family. As I walked away I felt like a coward; I wanted so much to embrace that poor woman because I knew what that look of total anguish was. I flashed back to my own experience and the strongest memory was the sensation of being very cold. I remember being both physically cold but I also feeling a sense of coldness from the medical support staff  (maybe because of the discomfort of death?) when all I really wanted was to be embraced. While the nurse's words were spoken out of this woman's hearing, nobody deserves to be treated like that especially at a time of such great loss. Miscarriage is still birth; even if it also means death.

It is hard to find my place in this confusing world of foster parenting. Who am I anyway? Just some infertile lady who decided to take charge of this pregnant teen two weeks before her due date. Why did God want me to be a part of this when it reminds me so much of the pain of my own loss and empty womb?


  1. Big hugs! You are handling this beautifully. My heart aches for you.

  2. Oh, Carrie, I can feel your pain through this post. I can't believe the nurses would talk like that. It makes me wish I could have given that woman a hug, too!

    Maybe this is meant to be a part of your healing process, like having a bone reset. I know this experience is going to make you stronger one way or another. Just lean on your Savior, lean HEAVILY on Him right now.


  3. I wish I had advice Carrie.
    I think that our own pains and experiences prepare us to care for others, but that's all I've figured out thus far.

  4. ((hugs)) you are such a precious soul Carrie.

    God puts us in exactly the right places at the right time, even if we have no idea why...

    mu heart goes out to you, but i am also proud to know you.

  5. Try not to question why, just go and do through inspiration.