Saturday, June 4, 2011

Moments With A Foster Mom: Triage

I cannot describe how heart-wrenching this whole process is for so many reasons. Tonight I felt the need to share some of my experience in Labor and Delivery triage over the last few days.

My empty womb very tangibly ached as I sat waiting, hour after hour, in triage. Soon to be mom's paced the halls hoping that this endless walking would get them to the magical #4 that would allow them to be admitted. Excitement is everywhere but also some disappointment: Being sent home for false labor, an over-booked induction schedule, and then, towards the end, a young woman comes in weeping with a conspicuously flat belly and I instinctively understood. I overheard the nurses:

Nurse A: "What is wrong with her?" 
Nurse B: "She says she is having a miscarriage (shrugs)"
Nurse A: "Well, where should we put her?"
Nurse B: "I honestly don't care where you put her."

At that point the exchange ended and I went on my way. My charge was being admitted due to leaking amniotic fluid and I needed to get back to my family. As I walked away I felt like a coward; I wanted so much to embrace that poor woman because I knew what that look of total anguish was. I flashed back to my own experience and the strongest memory was the sensation of being very cold. I remember being both physically cold but I also feeling a sense of coldness from the medical support staff  (maybe because of the discomfort of death?) when all I really wanted was to be embraced. While the nurse's words were spoken out of this woman's hearing, nobody deserves to be treated like that especially at a time of such great loss. Miscarriage is still birth; even if it also means death.

It is hard to find my place in this confusing world of foster parenting. Who am I anyway? Just some infertile lady who decided to take charge of this pregnant teen two weeks before her due date. Why did God want me to be a part of this when it reminds me so much of the pain of my own loss and empty womb?

5 comments:

  1. Big hugs! You are handling this beautifully. My heart aches for you.

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  2. Oh, Carrie, I can feel your pain through this post. I can't believe the nurses would talk like that. It makes me wish I could have given that woman a hug, too!

    Maybe this is meant to be a part of your healing process, like having a bone reset. I know this experience is going to make you stronger one way or another. Just lean on your Savior, lean HEAVILY on Him right now.

    ((HUGS))

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  3. I wish I had advice Carrie.
    I think that our own pains and experiences prepare us to care for others, but that's all I've figured out thus far.

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  4. ((hugs)) you are such a precious soul Carrie.

    God puts us in exactly the right places at the right time, even if we have no idea why...

    mu heart goes out to you, but i am also proud to know you.

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  5. Try not to question why, just go and do through inspiration.

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