THIS Pregnancy

I have been pretty quiet about my current pregnancy to this point, aside from announcing it the very day that I saw that double pink line that is. I think after multiple miscarriages there tends to be a fear of  "jinxing it." I had this very irrational idea that if I talked about my pregnancy before "x" number of weeks I would miscarry. Since joining a support group for pregnancy after loss I have learned that this feeling isn't unusual and now that I have reached that magical number, which for me was 16 weeks pregnant, I feel that I can talk about it. Actually reaching 16 weeks wasn't the milestone so much as reaching 16 weeks and hearing the heartbeat and having my midwife tell me the baby is a-okay. So, here is my pregnancy to this point:

I started my pregnancy with very high health expectations, drinking herbal pregnancy infusions, walking for exercise, and eating a rather balanced diet. Well, winter came and with it the morning sickness and I was lost in the land of Sick, Tired and Cranky. These symptoms were probably exacerbated by the fact that in my previous pregnancies I could consume dairy with abandon, which was my morning sickness cure of choice. With cow dairy a no-go and goat dairy a little too strong for my sensitive palate, I was left with occasional cravings for fast food, so long as I ate slowly, and cereal with almond milk. Sometimes I would find a food that worked for a few days but then I would throw it up and that made it inedible. It just became a matter of fact that the moment I walked into the kitchen I would start either dry-heaving or throw up in the sink. Amazingly in the six weeks that I had morning sickness I only lost 8 lbs.

Aside from dealing with morning sickness, one of the things that was very difficult for me was my dear, kind, well-meaning friends would always ask how I was feeling (every pregnant woman hears this a lot) and when I would say, quite honestly, "sick, miserable, etc." they would say "GREAT! That means the baby is going to stay." Here I would just like to make a public service announcement: Morning sickness doesn't guarantee that you won't miscarry. I was sick even with my missed miscarriage where the baby died at 10 weeks. I was sick even after the baby died and it wasn't until a few days before I miscarried, somewhere in week 12, that I was feeling better. It is hard to know what to say to any sick pregnant woman but sometimes "Can I bring you meal?" is the very best thing and is always music to my ears.

Sadly, Pinzey and Posie had to go. Their  previous owner graciously agreed to take them back, so while we were out our investment, I could relax in the knowledge that they were being groomed by someone who had the time, energy and expertise to do a good job. I felt so bad that I wasn't able to give those rabbits the grooming time that they needed and really, if you have angora rabbits, you should be grooming them at least once per week, preferably twice. Andrew and I have decided to make a pact that we will no longer indulge each other in micro-homesteading with animals (aside from the worms, of course) until we have a house with a nice sized back yard and no HOA.

On New Years Eve, at 13 weeks pregnant, we were able to hear the heartbeat for the first time and for Andrew, that was the biggest relief in the world. For me, it just did not feel real no matter how hard I tried, possibly because the worrisome cramping that I had been having the entire pregnancy had continued with no sign of stopping. At week 14 I magically started to feel better. It was like a miracle how much better I felt, and then the little flutters that I had started feeling in week 12 really started to feel like baby movement. During week 15 I felt the baby kick my hand from the outside and it was such a surprise and a delight.

Today my midwife came by for my 4 month check-up and once again we heard the heart beat. More impressive to me was that my uterus had grown so much in the three weeks since my midwife had last visited and the top of my fundus was only two fingers below my navel. I had thought to have been feeling kicks up that high but couldn't believe it since my uterus should still be about 4 fingers below my navel. It was very validating that what I am feeling really is my baby moving about. Also it means that what I have thought of as my "pudge" is actually a baby where I just thought I was bloated. Fun stuff!

There is my pregnancy thus far. I am hoping this winter hurries up and gets over with so I can get on with my spring gardening plans: Potatoes! In just a few weeks we will have our anatomy ultrasound and maybe get a peek and our baby's gender. Things to look forward to.

When Your Immune System Attacks Your Fetus

With my most recent miscarriage at the end of May I decided to get blood tests to see if there was something going on causing the miscarriage. I was certain it was my thyroid causing the miscarriage(s) but my doctor did a number of tests just to be sure, including an Anti-nuclear Antibody (ANA) test to see if my immune system was producing antibodies against itself causing an auto-immune disease that wasn't allowing my body to carry a fetus. Surprisingly, all my blood tests came up fine, including my thyroid, except the ANA. Not only did I test positive for the antibodies but I also had a high titer of 1:640 (a titer of 1:40 is considered normal) so my doctor decided to send me to a Rheumetologist, a doctor who specializes in autoimmune disorders, for further testing. Since I was leaving for Germany I could not meet with a specialist until 5 weeks after the initial blood test and nearly 6 weeks after the miscarriage.

My visit to the Rheumetologist was disappointing as he wouldn't test me for the tests that I had asked him to test me for but he did do the routine tests given after a positive ANA for specific rheumatic auto-immune disorders, like Lupus, as well as another ANA. Just as I had predicted, I do not have Lupus (or syphilis for that matter) but once again I tested positive for ANA. Unlike the first test, this test I had a much lower titer of 1:80, which is considered a very low positive reading. This got me thinking, and Googling, to see if there could be a connection between positive ANA tests and miscarriage. Amazingly, all over the Internet I found infertility/miscarriage forums where women with repeated miscarriages were talking about their positive ANA tests taken directly after their miscarriages with no diagnosis of autoimmune disease. For the majority of these women their titers were only high directly after their miscarriage.

This was all very fascinating to me but it seemed that many doctors did not believe that there was a connection and that the positive ANA could mean that the body was attacking the fetus specifically, not just the body. Some doctors treated the condition successfully with daily doses of baby aspirin. Others added in supplemental progesterone and in some cases, twice daily injections of heparin, an anti-coagulant, during pregnancy the use of which is rather questionable. BUT these actions, in many cases resulted in full-term pregnancies in women who have had many repeated miscarriages.

So, where does this leave me? It leaves me in a quandary because it doesn't explain why the immune system is attacking the fetus and I want to know what is causing this and all my other symptoms of poor health. I could try taking baby aspirin and see what happens but I really don't want to take the chance of another miscarriage because I don't really understand what is going on. One thing I am willing to try is herbal cures. This website recommends specific herbs to help with immunological miscarriages such as Dong Quai and Maca. Other herbs, such as Vitex and Evening Primrose Oil have been shown to help with aiding in the production of progesterone, which is often lacking in women with repeated miscarriage.

Susun Weed, herbalist and author of The Wise Woman Herbal for the Childbearing Year, has recipes for preventing a threatened miscarriage with a number of herbal tinctures. Susun also recommends daily infusions of stinging nettle and red raspberry leaf for every woman, pregnant or not. Here is info that I liked on a natural fertility diet, though I am not a believer in excessive raw foods, protein powders or green smoothies (seriously, no people throughout time have EVER eaten pureed raw greens! EVER!). So there it is...food for thought. I am still left feeling like I have no idea what to do either way.

Pain and the Atonement

"It will comfort us when we must wait in distress for the Savior's promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help us...And faith in that power will give us the patience as we pray and work and wait for help. He could have known how to succor us simply by revelation, but He chose to learn by His own personal experience."

-Henry B. Eyring, quoted by Kent F. Richards, Ensign, May 2011, 16

I did find this thought comforting today as I pondered upon the pain of waiting and not knowing. I do feel better that Christ understands the conflicting emotions I feel as I struggle with waiting for more children while my foster daughter joyfully becomes a mother. With my limited perspective, I feel that the lessons I learn as a foster parent will help me when and if Andrew and I are able to have more biological children. When people ask us why we made this choice, to parent other people's children, most of the time I want to say "I have no idea" because I truly do not, but the rightness of this choice is daily confirmed by the whisperings of the Spirit. I am so grateful for that and for the sweetness of new life.

Moments With A Foster Mom: Triage

I cannot describe how heart-wrenching this whole process is for so many reasons. Tonight I felt the need to share some of my experience in Labor and Delivery triage over the last few days.

My empty womb very tangibly ached as I sat waiting, hour after hour, in triage. Soon to be mom's paced the halls hoping that this endless walking would get them to the magical #4 that would allow them to be admitted. Excitement is everywhere but also some disappointment: Being sent home for false labor, an over-booked induction schedule, and then, towards the end, a young woman comes in weeping with a conspicuously flat belly and I instinctively understood. I overheard the nurses:

Nurse A: "What is wrong with her?" 

Nurse B: "She says she is having a miscarriage (shrugs)"

Nurse A: "Well, where should we put her?"

Nurse B: "I honestly don't care where you put her."

At that point the exchange ended and I went on my way. My charge was being admitted due to leaking amniotic fluid and I needed to get back to my family. As I walked away I felt like a coward; I wanted so much to embrace that poor woman because I knew what that look of total anguish was. I flashed back to my own experience and the strongest memory was the sensation of being very cold. I remember being both physically cold but I also feeling a sense of coldness from the medical support staff  (maybe because of the discomfort of death?) when all I really wanted was to be embraced. While the nurse's words were spoken out of this woman's hearing, nobody deserves to be treated like that especially at a time of such great loss. Miscarriage is still birth; even if it also means death.

It is hard to find my place in this confusing world of foster parenting. Who am I anyway? Just some infertile lady who decided to take charge of this pregnant teen two weeks before her due date. Why did God want me to be a part of this when it reminds me so much of the pain of my own loss and empty womb?

Mother's Day

Mother's Day and I don't have a good track record. It all began with the years of infertility. In those days it just felt like good sense to stay at home and not go to church. Then POOF! I had a baby and all should have been fixed, but strangely there still lingered a sense of weirdness about the day. This year royally sucked. I basically wept the entire day. To put it simply, I thought I was pregnant; I am not. I found out on Mother's Day. Real fun. Add in a HUGE dose of hormones. Then, of course, my daughter treated me like a pariah and would have nothing to do with me; did I mention I was hormonal? Then speakers and teachers all around decided to focus on those of us who due to circumstances outside of our control, don't really relish the day. Yup...

Thankfully, Heavenly Father sent me a comforting angel in the guise of a woman I hardly knew. She hugged me, told me she loved me and that she would pray for me and best of all, that she would do it without needing to know what was wrong. I cannot describe the relief I felt. So many people asked me what was wrong (I have one of those awful "cry faces" that cannot be hidden) but nobody did was this woman did. I am so grateful.

D-Day

Today is my D-Day. Today, had my pregnancy gone as hoped I would have been 40 weeks. Maybe I would have already had a baby right now? Maybe I would be huge and uncomfortable wishing desperately that labor would begin and doing everything that I could possibly imagine to get it to start? Today there are lots of "maybe's" and "what-if's" and still the old "why me, why anyone?" I think it was appropriate that I announced our foster parenting plans on our family blog today and it also helps that today is sunny and warm in the middle of February; a day that makes me think of the coming Spring and life and renewal.

I think today might be a good day to get out and spend a lot of time enjoying the beautiful moments and then tomorrow life will continue as usual, the cold winter weather will resume, and I will look forward to a future which is not what it could have been.

How Do You View Yourself?

I have been really quiet lately in the blog world. The slow pace of my life in winter has that effect but the lull also seems to be extending into the realm of the internet usage. For example, I quit a web forum that I had been actively participating in for a few years now, stopped reading so many blogs and making comments and haven't been as active on Facebook. For whatever reason I feel the need to make my interactions count and I have been feeling that my interactions on the internet are mostly shallow. On the flip side I have been writing more thank you notes and trying to encourage others.  I have spent a lot of time knitting and consequently pondering on my life, blessings and struggles.

One of the things I have been learning on this journey of introspection is to stop viewing myself in relation to others. It is a constant struggle for me. Probably the most difficult thing is seeing the families of my friends grow while ours stubbornly remains the same size. The other day my friend asked me if I would be fulfilled with having just Ravenna. At the time I said "yes" but added that of course I would still like to have more children. Later a familiar nagging thought crept into my brain: "But if I don't have any more children I will never be a real mother." This doesn't come from nowhere, people. I have often been told in conversation with mothers of many children (Have you ever said this?): "Oh, you will understand when you have x many kids" which I took as meaning that I could never understand because I don't have as many children. What a way to feel shafted in the kid department! While my days are full and steady with my one darling child, often I feel guilty because I have so much more time than these women with more children but also guilty because my child is missing out and that is my fault.

Here again we come back to me learning not to view myself in relation to others. I will never understand how those women with such and such number of kids feels because I am not them and they are not me.  If I had five children I might be able to have empathy for the shared struggles of another mother who has the same number but I will never understand how her life is. My life is my own and learning that requires constant reminders to myself that what I accomplish and what I do not has nothing to do with anyone else. I am a real mother if I choose to see myself as one, period.

Motherhood is just one aspect of my comparative inadequacy that I have been dwelling on lately but really this applies to anything in my life: Am I a good enough cook? Does my house look tacky? Is my conversation boring to people? Do I not read enough books? Is there enough romance in my relationship? Do I have a strong enough testimony? All of these questions are about some idea of perfection that does not exist. They have to do with how I perceive other people and their talents and abilities. It isn't bad to want to emulate someone and to be better, but what I need is to be comfortable with myself as I am now and build my questions/goals around that: Do I enjoy the food I cook and does it nourish and sustain my family? Does my home fulfill its purpose? Do I do my best to uplift and connect with people in conversation? Am I getting enjoyment and education out of the books I read? Am I doing my best to be a supportive and loving wife? Am I making an effort to build my relationship with God every day?

The internet is a fabulous tool for self-depreciation. One only has to spend some time blog hopping to see where we just aren't "enough" compared to others. Getting an inferiority complex from viewing Mormon Mommy Blogs may just be my problem so take this for what you will; I have found that taking a step away from the internet to gain perspective on how what I was viewing was affecting my perception of myself and others was a great eye opener and well worth the missed status updates. I want my life to bring me, my family and others joy, so that is what I will focus on from now on. I can promise inferior quality photos, general corniness and probably a lot of stuff that will make you roll your eyes. Enjoy!

The Empty Womb

"Empty But for Love"

When I miscarried last August I wasn't ready to get pregnant right away. A nagging feeling kept telling me that it was a bad idea. Right after the loss I set a tentative date of January 2011 as the time when we would probably be ready to try to conceive again. And yet, here we are in January and there is no baby making going on, nor any in the foreseeable future.

At the moment not being pregnant just sucks. It seems like everyone that I know and love is pregnant (even my favorite blogger recently announced a pregnancy) and it hurts. I doesn't hurt in a jealousy kind of way; more in the way that I felt when I was infertile. It is lonely. That is why I titled this post "The Empty Womb" because that is really the only way to describe the feeling. Having experienced a pregnancy before I sometimes feel "ghost kicks" or muscle twitches/gas bubbles/whatever you want to call them that remind me that at this moment I would be less than a month away from my estimated due date and instantly I am overcome by sadness at my lost experience.

I just found out that one of my best friends is expecting a girl later this year. On Facebook. This is the same woman who told me she was pregnant the first time before she even tested! While I am not sure this is the case, I wonder if she would have told me earlier if I had not miscarried. I hated learning through a website. If I wasn't on Facebook would I have heard about it ever? Maybe next year we would get a Christmas card from them and there would be a baby! Surprise!

While I am still occasionally bitter and sad, I am growing to appreciate my currently empty womb. It has given me an opportunity to work on healing myself that I wouldn't have had if I had been pregnant/nursing. The empty womb has opened doors for us and the journey that Andrew and I have been on in the last few months has been amazing in so many ways. It has been so difficult and yet we know we are now on a path that we would not have otherwise gone to if we had not lost the pregnancy. I might even dare to say that this is a better path...but more on that later.

Pondering Helping Hands on October 15th

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and the 15th is set aside as a day of remembrance. A friend of mine who helped me through my miscarriage started a non-profit called The Amethyst Network to provide physical and emotional support for women and families during and after a miscarriage. I asked her if there was anything that I could write about that would help the cause and she said to write about what people said or did that was helpful for me during my miscarriage experience.

When I start to think about it I don't remember things that people said so much as things that people did, or didn't do. Pregnancy loss is a difficult thing for many people who haven't experienced it which, in my experience, led people to say or do nothing rather than risk offending. I think a loss like this really shows you who your real friends are. A father writing about his wife's pregnancy loss and the emotional turmoil he went through with that experience made a very true statement: "Compassion breeds an amazing amount of tolerance." If you truly care for someone experiencing a loss, seek to find compassion in your heart and it will mold you into what that person needs you to be.

Here are some guidelines based on my experience that might help others:

• Validate the loss: A man in my church who had lost his one year-old son last year approached me and with tears in his eyes he told me how sorry he was. I will forever be grateful to that man for crying with me and letting me know that my pain was as valid as his own.
• Make your words tangible: I received many emails, but only two sympathy cards and one letter containing an article on miscarriage.While the emails were kind, the mail was so comforting. Being able to hold someones kind thoughts in my hands was so gratifying.
  
• Be physical: I am not a hugger but I cannot tell you how grateful I was to have someone genuinely embrace me when I could barely speak. One evening I had four women, whom I barely knew, embrace me one after the other because they were so sorry for my loss and wanted to comfort me in some small way. I could feel that in their hugs.
  
• Feed them: Don't make a family who has suffered a loss ask first. Food is SO very comforting. After I lost the baby I struggled so much just trying to read a recipe and everything I made tasted bad. I have since learned that this is normal when grieving but at the time not being able to cook made me feel like a failure. Having people bring my family meals eased a burden.
  
• Judge Not: Need I even say this? Everyone grieves on their own time line and just because someone doesn't look like they are grieving does not mean that they are totally fine. The best way to tell if someone needs help is to ask them, in person, how they are healing.
• Be Peaceful: When you are around someone whose life is in turmoil I don't recommend you dish to them about how horrible your life is or discuss the injustices heaped on you by mankind. #1 The person you are venting to probably won't be able to validate you and #2 All your doom and gloom is probably going to make them feel worse.
  
• Keep In Touch: When something awful happens people are often blessed by an outpouring of support from their community but after a few weeks pass by there is an assumption that it is time to move on. As I said before grieving can be a long and drawn out process and knowing you are still thought of even months after the event, is very comforting. I have a friend who contacted me every few days or at least once a week to see how I was doing, and I love her for that.
  

The following is an excerpt from a card that was written to me and Andrew that I read often for comfort:

 May you gain wisdom as you pass through this difficult time. You already had that baby visualized in your arms. I am so sorry. Let the waves pass over you. Sometimes it may hit you when you least expect it. Always know that there are those who are aware and who will listen to your sorrow and try to bear you up.

The Lord loves you and is mindful of your grief. May you be comforted by His love. May the Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ help you to see His hand in your lives.

 The woman who gave this card to me didn't know me extremely well, but knowing the pain of pregnancy loss herself, she was inspired to write these words to me. Every time I see her she has asked me about my healing in such a kind and gentle way. She is a perfect example of that compassion that breeds tolerance. I pray that we can all learn to be so.

The Amethyst Network is "a nationwide network of doulas working together to support parents during and after miscarriages." If you would like to support them in this worthy cause please donate on their web page.

Nightmares

In the early hours of August 12th I had a horrible dream: I dreamed that I woke up in a pool of blood and gave birth to a dead baby. Not twenty-four hours later I was in the E.R. learning that my baby had died and that soon my dream would become a reality. On the 14th of August, just over five weeks ago, my nightmare came true and my life will never be the same.

Since the loss of my pregnancy I have struggled with sleeping. A friend pointed out that this is a sign of post-partum depression, which I know I am struggling with at times, but I think it goes deeper than that. Nightmares continue to plague my sleeping hours. A week ago I dreamed that I was in a building that was about to explode and my mission was to save a baby. I fought and struggled and even killed to get that baby out of that building only to find that the baby I was trying so desperately to save was dead; I had killed it.

I wake feeling exhausted and drained but I must get on with life; there is no time to process the unspeakable horror that left me gasping for air as I woke. My daughter needs to be taken care of, laundry needs to be washed, meals need to be cooked, ants need to be battled with and produce needs to be preserved. While on the outside life seems normal for our family, death continues to linger with me in my dreams, never letting me forget.